Author Topic: Check My Translation Please  (Read 8808 times)

Offline Volcano

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Check My Translation Please
« on: June 21, 2015, 03:28:49 pm »
Could you please check my lyrics translation?


Was it so hard to please me with a word?
To do what was expected?
Love in me is saying good bye little by little

Many came closer to me
Many wanted me so much, but it didn't happen
I didn't choose a path without you

Many talked to me
Many tried to force me into things
I didn't go anywhere away from you

You are temperamental, completely different
One of two words you say always causes trouble
You are unbearable, love is dying

The anger in you is already determined
The infinitive, swollen ego is harmful
It ruins my pure and clean nature

Offline admin

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2015, 04:26:00 pm »
Volcano,

Welcome to Lydbury - but you may be asking a little too much here. We don't know the original lyrics so it is difficult to comment on the accuracy of the translation. In addition, we are all volunteers do it is difficult to commit that sort of time free of charge.

If you have any specific and detailed questions, please ask away.
Best wishes,

Duncan

Offline Volcano

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2015, 06:02:41 pm »
Hi

First off all, I had been member here for more than five years but somehow my account was deleted. I would like to know whether the translation makes sense and needs to be reviewed by line by.

Thanks

Offline admin

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2015, 09:53:42 pm »
Volcano,

I am sorry you had a deleted account - and we are pleased to see you back again.

Your entry is fine but it is difficult to know if it it correct without seeing the original - which may be in a language none of us speak.

Best wishes,

Duncan

Offline Darryl

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2015, 12:09:33 am »
Welcome back.
Yes, as Duncan says, it's impossible to say whether your translation is accurate without the original. And you would need someone familiar with the language of the original.
Song lyric translations are difficult. It's near impossible to match rhyme and rhythm and hence, a lot is 'lost in the translation'.

Offline Volcano

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2015, 09:04:37 pm »
Of course you can't match rhyme and rhythm. I just want to know whether it is grammatically correct makes sense.

Offline Darryl

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2015, 11:43:02 pm »
Well, not to put too fine a point on it, it sounds like rubbish to me. But then,  a lot of modern song lyrics are pretty meaningless aren't they?
My comment about rhyme and rhythm was simply pointing out the difficulty in translating songs (and moreso poetry) from the original language into another. Hence the commonly heard phrase 'lost in the translation'.
I think if the original song you translated made any sense at all in its original language, then 'lost in the translation' is a fitting description.

marc

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2015, 02:06:16 am »
If it's a song post the title, singer and
in what language. :-[

Offline Volcano

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2015, 07:11:51 pm »
Well, not to put too fine a point on it, it sounds like rubbish to me. But then,  a lot of modern song lyrics are pretty meaningless aren't they?
My comment about rhyme and rhythm was simply pointing out the difficulty in translating songs (and moreso poetry) from the original language into another. Hence the commonly heard phrase 'lost in the translation'.
I think if the original song you translated made any sense at all in its original language, then 'lost in the translation' is a fitting description.

If you say meaningless for the lyrics, no comment...

Offline Britta

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2015, 08:23:36 am »
Hi Volcano

I don't think it's meaningless and I don't find any obvious grammar issues but I do think it is a bit clumsy in places. But that could be due to the original.

However, since you obviously don't want to point us to the original version, I guess that you wrote it yourself. So let me just point out a few things.

The two stanzas starting with "many" do need polishing up.

Quote
Many came closer to me What does that mean?
Many wanted me so much, but it didn't happen What does "it" refer to?
I didn't choose a path without you

Many talked to me
Many tried to force me into things Things? What "things"?
I didn't go anywhere away from you I don't like the combination "anywhere away".

Second point is: the text strikes me as rather hypocrite ("you are unbearable" - "my pure and clean nature"). If it's a translation from somebody else's song, well, that has to be accepted then. If it's your own work: think about it.
« Last Edit: June 25, 2015, 08:25:07 am by Britta »
If it's not used by a native speaker it's not idiomatic. And idiom trumps grammar every time. Jack Wilkerson

Offline Volcano

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2015, 09:35:08 pm »
Hi Volcano

I don't think it's meaningless and I don't find any obvious grammar issues but I do think it is a bit clumsy in places. But that could be due to the original.

However, since you obviously don't want to point us to the original version, I guess that you wrote it yourself. So let me just point out a few things.

The two stanzas starting with "many" do need polishing up.

Quote
Many came closer to me What does that mean?
Many wanted me so much, but it didn't happen What does "it" refer to?
I didn't choose a path without you

Many talked to me
Many tried to force me into things Things? What "things"?
I didn't go anywhere away from you I don't like the combination "anywhere away".

Second point is: the text strikes me as rather hypocrite ("you are unbearable" - "my pure and clean nature"). If it's a translation from somebody else's song, well, that has to be accepted then. If it's your own work: think about it.

- Many came closer to me means many people were interested in to get him.

- Many wanted me so much, but it didn't happen here it refers to having relationship with him.

- Many tried to force me into things here things means keeping him apart from her, trying to make him leave her etc.

- What about anywhere from you?

- Yes, it is translation

Offline Britta

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Re: Check My Translation Please
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2015, 01:18:06 pm »
Hi Volcano

Yes, I did understand all that. My questions were rather intended as rhetorical questions to point you to clumsy language. Empty word like "it" and "things" should only be placeholders to revisit later and polish up. I often do this (put in empty words) when I write, in order to get the paragraph finished. Then I replace them one by one with better alternatives.

Quote
Many came closer to me means many people were interested in to get him.
This sounds like people are trying to climb over a fence to get to that person. I guess, that is not what you are trying to say. Don't get me wrong: on does understand what you mean from the context, but again, I'm sure you can do better.
If it's not used by a native speaker it's not idiomatic. And idiom trumps grammar every time. Jack Wilkerson