Author Topic: The tramp  (Read 898 times)

Offline admin

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3178
  • Director at Lydbury English Centre Ltd
    • Lydbury English Centre Ltd
The tramp
« on: December 11, 2018, 11:19:01 am »
There was this tramp ("bum" in the U.S.A ?).

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard

a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle

of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water.

Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and

slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking

the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He took off his coat

and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down.

A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out

but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a

multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughter

into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash,

perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have

ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in

my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your

money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll

buy myself a holiday (vacation)"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his

chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes

to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes

up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl

incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll

probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest

filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old

file.

"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.

"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class

round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"

"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"

The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads

out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the

most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-

going liner he has ever seen.

Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder,

and marches up the gangplank.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms

down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper,

mega-economy class, and I want on!"

Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that

our man the tramp is correct.

"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now,

I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight

when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the

dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway,

and onto the ship - and what a ship!

The tramp had never in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.

First they went doen through the first class level:

Oriental carpets - 6" pile.

A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.

Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.

24 ct gold trim everywhere.

Then the second class:

As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep.

and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class,

.

.

.

.

down past the casinos,

.

.

.

.

and the ballrooms,

.

.

.

.

down through the crew's quarters,

.

.

.

.

down through the galleys, and the engine rooms,

.

.

.

.

until finally,

.

.

at the lowest point in the ship,

against the very hull,

.

.

the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with

a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."

"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship,

at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the

alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping

by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it.

One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd

have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for

one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....

...and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old

tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like

that?"

"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ....">

He broke off.

"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.

"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the

other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first

class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man.

For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced.

Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it

he tried it.

Then one morning the captain came to talk.

"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're

going to erect a high diving board for you."

"O.K." agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with

excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver.

The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks

and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.

Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe.

Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board.

Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column

of metal.

"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."

And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.

And the tramp began to climb....

up and up ...

up and up ...

higher and higher ...

below him the ship grew smaller ...

up and up ...

on and on ...

past a solitary albatross ...

and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...

on

and on

.

.

.

.

still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began

to shrink...

and higher, ever higher ...

on and on ....

past our moon ...

and on ...

and mars ...

and on ...

higher, and higher , through the asteroid belt,

and on and on towards the diving board,

... past the outer planets, until...

... finally ...

... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System ...

... he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...

           .


         .' '.


        .     .


       .       .
he jumped . .

                 .


                 .


                 .


                 .


                 :
slowly at first :

but speeding up :

                 :


                 :


                 :
faster, and faster

speeding past Pluto

and the other outer planets

.

.

.

.

.

through the asteroid belt:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

past Mars,

and the moon,

faster,

and faster,

faster - ever faster,

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,

the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster...

past the albatross,

faster

.

.

.

double-back somersault,

.

.

.

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

.

.

.

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

.

.

.

.

DEEPER,

.

.

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

.

..

...

.......

TILL..........

.

.

SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam

frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping....

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng

wild with acclaim.

HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT!

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over

the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER.

That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen"

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on:

"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this

boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:

"Well you see....

....I'm a poor tramp...

...so you must understand ...

... I've been through many a hardship in my life"
Best wishes,

Duncan Baker
http://www.lydbury.co.uk

Offline Darryl

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2813
  • Far North Queensland, Australia
Re: The tramp
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2018, 11:14:30 am »
And was it ….. a tramp steamer?   :'(

Offline admin

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3178
  • Director at Lydbury English Centre Ltd
    • Lydbury English Centre Ltd
Re: The tramp
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2018, 11:48:37 am »
 :D
Best wishes,

Duncan Baker
http://www.lydbury.co.uk

Offline JTL

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 209
Re: The tramp
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2018, 01:01:18 pm »
Many
.
.
.
.
.
Many
.
.
.
.
.
Many
.
.
.
.
.
Many years ago
.
.
.
.
.
you posted this joke!
 ;)