Author Topic: The tramp  (Read 1908 times)

Offline admin

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The tramp
« on: December 20, 2017, 03:28:27 pm »
There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a
country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. He turned
to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the
lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a
moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over
to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice
further and he carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and
wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A
few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped
out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a
multi-millionaire. "How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after
putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price -
I'm a wealthy man." "Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a
little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out" "Certainly" says the
girl's father and he pulls out his wallet. "Oh dear" says the father, "I
don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home
with me and I'll get more from the safe" "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why
ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be
plenty". "Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do
with your money?" "Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in
20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday (vacation)" "Well good luck"
says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to
drive home. "Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off
he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent,
walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked
the girl at the desk, forcing a smile "Oh, any holiday I don't mind"
replied the tramp. "Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's
holiday?" "Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars" "TEN DOLLARS!! You'll
*never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously. "Oh
dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll
probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check" The girl goes into
the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers
she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well
you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've
got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class
round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars" "Yippee", exclaims the
tramp, "I'll take it" The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his
dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the
ship is waiting. A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the
dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive
looking ocean- going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good
fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the
gangplank. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate
captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the
dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper,
ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" Hardly believing his
eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is
correct. "Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just
now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at
midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds
himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls
asleep. "Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin" The tramp toddles
after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship -
and what a ship! The tramp had *never* in his wildest dreams imagined
luxury like this. First they went down though the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your
shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold
trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets
were only 3" deep. and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the
casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through
the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in
the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into
a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad
you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..." "Your
class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at
night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm
clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had
a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it.
One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd
have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one
dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the
board tip, bounced, and dived.... ...and what a dive...! Perfectly poised
in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to
him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was
standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where
did you learn to dive like that?" "Eh, well I've never actually dived
before" replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain,
"I've never seen ...."> He broke off. "Hey, I've an idea", he started
again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the
other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first
class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp
practices like he's never practised. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back
sideways Axel dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain
came to talk. "O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2
days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "O.K." agreed the
tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as
he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the
crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board.
Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column
of metal. "Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what
you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the
tramp began to climb.... up and up ....
up and up ...higher and higher ...
. below him the ship grew smaller ....
up and up ....
on and on ....
past a solitary albatross ....
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ....
on and on still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself
began to shrink....
and higher, ever higher ....
on and on .....
past our moon ....
and on ....
and mars ....
and on ....
higher, and higher , through the asteroid belt, and on and on towards the
diving board, ... past the outer planets, until... ... finally ...... on
the outermost reaches of the Solar System ... ... he reached the board. He
climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and he jumped . . slowly at
first but speeding up faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and the other
outer planets through the asteroid belts past Mars, and the moon, faster,
and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large
in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and
faster...past the albatross, faster double-back somersault, and he could
see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for
the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, "I CAN
SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!" The tramp streaked down towards the
pool, did a last triple flip, and dove... NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE
FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S
QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN...! DEEPER, DEEPER
INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL.......... SMASH! into into the sea bed,
sinking a 37' shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of
the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and
up, desperate, gasping.... Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck
of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING!
BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT! And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke,
as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything
like that, *EVER*. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have
ever seen" The tramp blushed. The captain went on: "But tell me; most
amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you
dived - how did you do it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the
crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see.....
.I'm a poor tramp....
.so you must understand ....I've been through many a hardship in my life"
Best wishes,

Duncan

Offline Darryl

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Re: The tramp
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2017, 10:24:45 pm »
Extra-long Grroooaaannn!  :)

Mr Tasker

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Re: The tramp
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2017, 12:38:58 am »
Reminds me of a news report I saw the other day of a freak accident where the skipper of an Everglades fan boat somehow got carried out into the open ocean and was hit by a cruise liner.

The headline was "Ship Hits the Fan off Florida Coast"

Offline Bertha

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Re: The tramp
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2017, 11:38:12 am »
Bertha